


fireworks, gold and dazzling

by littlelooneyluna



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Bonfire Night, Gen, M/M, Panic Attacks, apologies for the title - it's awful, chas sees rob for the first time almost, chas/rob have the cutest most mature lil moment, i have headcanons about rob going though shit that helps him relate to aaron so well, idk what this is exactly, past trauma, roblivion is a lil family, when he went away for so long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 18:38:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8500870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: "Hey look I know a trick yeah? Just - count to ten and then count back and, and it will help yeah?" Chas knows he is talking to her like she is his child but she finds the thought oddly comforting, this is how he'd be with his child, with Aaron's child, she thinks to herself amongst the chaos of her mind.- robert finds chas mid panic attack on bonfire night and supports her, prompting chas to understand him a little better.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i was not really up for doing a bonfire night fic just because i already read marvellous ones about robert struggling but then i had this idea about chas going through it instead and only subtly hinting at robert's struggles. it may not be that good just because i have never ever had a panic attack so let me just put that out there and apologise if it is bloody unrealistic. i am honestly dying for some rob and chas discussions about supporting each other and getting closer and i feel like they could really be able to relate to each other when it comes to panic attacks, the shooting effected them both in so many ways. anyway i hope you enjoy it a lil!

The fireworks ascend into the night sky and fill the air with a dazzling sight. It's beautiful and Chas can _see_ that but she hears something completely different. No bubbling feeling of excitement fills her up inside, instead she is anxious and fearful and she hates it entirely.

The whole display is seen by her through the kitchen window, she's told herself and the others it's because she is cold but she isn't. It's because she doesn't trust herself not to let the emotions take hold of her and spill out like a mess. A scared, frightful mess.

Another firework crackles and explodes and Chas lifts her head up to see, this one is like an electric blue and it spins in the air before disappearing completely from her view. The sight of her son catches her by surprise, he's wearing a small woolly bobble hat and although his shoulders are hunched and his brow looks unimpressed, the warm glow on his face and the smile that spreads across it tells her otherwise.

He's happy. Liv races by and teases him with a sparkler and Chas can just make out the parental tone in Robert's voice as he chastises her for swirling it so near them. It brings a smile to Chas' face as she watches, her grip on the table manages to loosen and she feels better. A chuckle escapes her as she thinks about the fact that Robert Sugden has managed to make her happy, to _ease_ her worry instead of fuel it.

The next one is quicker than the last and it catches Chas by surprise, it's loud and spurts colours too bright to stare at. Chas feels her chest tighten and she's back there, the fear is present and then the _panic_. The panic feels like a kick to the stomach and it's frightful and real and too raw to ignore this time.

The sound only lingers on, more bangs fill the air and Chas _knows_ now she can't breathe. It's an effort, a struggle to try and fight and she's loosing and loosing and loosing as she lets go of the counter and feels herself give in. She's struggling even more now, pants fill the room and the pressure leaves her head and manages to drag down into the pit of her stomach so that she feels _sick_.

She's giving up entirely as she lets her head fall and hears another explosion of colour from outside.

It's only when another sound fills the room does Chas raise it again. It's a familiar voice but she can't place it, she's trying to concentrate on catching air instead. But then she allows herself to hear it again, they are calling her name and it's not gruff enough to be Aaron, not high enough for Liv or Marlon and she's aware Noah is keeping Moira company.

It speaks again, still soft and slow -

"Chas, it's me - it's okay,"

Chas shifts her body, pants harder and looks up. A freckled face, serious yet soft eyes meet hers. Robert.

Robert gulps, doesn't know what else to say and watches as his future mother in law continues to struggle. She's nearly stretched herself out fully in her panic and he debates whether to move her or not until she lets out a shaky breath.

"Go back - outside, I'm fine, go back -" it's pointless as she speaks because she can make out the way Robert is shaking his head defiantly.

"No I won't just leave you like this." Robert still has his soft voice but he speaks a little sterner this time and Chas pants harder as she listens.

For a second her mind wonders, it travels to that day in October. She wasn't in the car but she knew what had happened, Aaron was trapped and Robert rescued him. Robert _stayed_ with her son and faced the possibility of drowning himself and she can't escape the thought, Robert reminds him again as he says -

"I'm not going anywhere until I know you're alright." Robert leans down towards Chas, takes her by the hand and guides her to the sofa.

Chas hears another firework and a flash of a memory attacks her mind before she can react. Robert, Robert standing and then Robert falling to the ground. A bullet whizzing past her and hitting him, causing him to bleed out on the ground like some wounded deer. Robert shot, Robert dead.

Her breathing turns more erratic as she shuts her eyes and tries to think of something else, anything else. _Aaron, her boy. Aaron - Liv - Robert, a family. His family. Safety._

"Look at me Chas." It's Robert's voice again, his nearer and Chas dares to open her eyes and look at him, she tells herself he is real, he's alive and then she feels foolish because she _knows_ he is.

"Breathe, just - take your time and try and get your breath back." Robert smells like smoke and beer but Chas dosen't mind, she latches onto his voice and tries, really _tries_ to listen to him.

Robert shifts his weight and suddenly holds a hand out for Chas to hold. It catches her by surprise but she grabs at it nonetheless and mirrors the way Robert begins to breathe in and out slowly.

"Hey look I know a trick yeah? Just - count to ten and then count back and, and it will help yeah?" Chas knows he is talking to her like she is his child but she finds the thought oddly comforting, _this is how he'd be with his child, with Aaron's child_. She thinks to herself amongst the chaos of her mind.

Chas tries to steady herself and begins counting, at first it feels pointless but as she reaches eight, her shoulders seem to relax and she is able to fight through the rest of the numbers and then count back slowly with a sort of ease she appreciates.

"Yeah?" Robert whispers, trying to gauge a reaction from Chas who sits silently on the sofa. She's breathing now, without a fight and he's thankful. _He_ can breathe with ease again now.

Chas shakes herself, feels embarrassed almost instantly and then pulls a hand through her hair. Robert manages to get up and give her space and she appreciates it as she tries to gather herself again.

"Thanks," Chas manages to let out after a few minutes.

Robert is by the kitchen and for the first time she notices the empty beer bottle resting against the counter, the reason why Robert had arrived in the first place.

"It's alright," Robert gulps out, he dosen't know what to do or say because he knows why Chas ended up in such a state.

Aaron had told him the night before. Curled up and tucked in bed, Aaron had felt tight and rigid against Robert's body and he prompted the younger man to divulge into his worries. He knew that Chas had suffered a similar fate the year before, the loud sound and the bangs that reminded her of the shooting. His shooting. Somehow he felt responsible for it all.

"It's not been this bad all year." Chas reasons, she feels the need to offer Robert an explanation and it leaves her a little confused, she continues nonetheless, "It's just - the sounds well, I mean tonight in particular -"

Robert shifts awkwardly, "It reminds you of the shooting." He dosen't know why he says 'the' shooting and not 'my' shooting, it's something he does without thinking. He almost feels the need to remove himself from the event, comment on it as though it didn't happen to him at all. Not to the man he is now.

Chas seems just as awkward as she nods and then tilts her head, "Yeah." She lets out, wetting her lips and looking towards the floor.

The air seems thick and Robert debates whether or not to leave her alone now, to go back outside and tell Liv to be careful with the sparklers for the twelfth time because he's almost _certain_ she is going to hurt herself and some point.

He dosen't though, instead he sighs and looks at Chas and then offers a glass of water.

"No thanks love." Chas mumbles out again, the sound of laugher from outside feels the room and she thinks of Aaron almost immediately as she catches Robert's gaze. "Don't tell Aaron about this." She speaks with more power in her voice now and Robert clears his throat, debating again.

Aaron had voiced his doubts, had told Robert all about how his mother could get if the fireworks went on for too long and he had been so scared about it all. The thought of telling Aaron that his mother had experienced a panic attack now would only spoil things for him.

"He'll want to know." Robert pushes out, thinking of the letter that Gordon had written, the letter he burned long before Aaron could ever read it for himself. He had denied Aaron the chance, he had kept things from him and made decisions for him and then faced the wrath of him. Robert had definitely learnt his lesson.

Chas rolls her eyes, titling her head and then squinting at Robert. "So you're saying that Aaron tells me everything that happens to him hm?"

Robert shifts awkwardly again, he doesn't know what to say. He feels odd now, he already carries the weight of keeping Aaron's nightmares to himself and especially not telling his mother and now he is being asked to keep Chas' panic attacks quiet too and not tell her son about it at all.

"He has me for that." Robert points out, clearing his throat and wondering if his words are enough to silence her.

Chas stops for a second and then gives Robert this loving look that takes him by surprise, "Have you ever done that counting thing with him?" She has images of Robert helping her son in a similar way dancing around in her mind and it melts her heart.

Robert blinks, remembers trying it with Aaron once and then recalls how it didn't work again. He had felt awful afterwards, rotten inside for not being able to help Aaron with his trick and only useful for making small circles in Aaron's back and telling him to simply breathe.

It did work the first time, Aaron had actually calmed a little and been able to gather himself. His breathing becoming less erratic as Robert was able to press soft kisses to the younger man's temple, again and again until Aaron melted into his arms and he was okay.

"Once." Robert whispers trying not to think about it too much.

Chas nods and then frowns, "Where did you learn it from?" She thinks back to therapy sessions and can't recall the simple method, she remembers one about trying to shut off the world and focus on a point in the room though.

Robert's face falls at the question and he gulps back his initial hesitation to answer it. He remembers exactly where he learnt it from and he knows why he _had_ to.

"You're not the only one who gets a little ... _overwhelmed_ sometimes." It feels wrong to say aloud, he knows that he has nothing to be ashamed of but it's buried so deep inside him that it takes great effort to dig out.

He thinks of panic attacks and thinks of his very first one.

Nineteen, laying on a sticky mattress and feeling the springs dig deep into his freckly skin. It's late and the night is bitterly cold and he's just had sex with a boy he works with, one that offered money for it if Robert was _up for it_. He feels rotten and dirty and the whole thing is so sordid it aches him all over and then he finds it hard to breathe out of nowhere, he races to the window and gets chastised by the brunette who hates the cold air that rushes in as Robert fumbles to open it wide. Robert still feels like he cannot breathe and it takes minutes for him to find the air again, the brunette has a hand on his back and he mumbles something about counting to ten and then back again and it helps. It settles him. He later finds out the boy had a list of issues himself, the advice he gave was sound and he would always remember it.

Robert stops thinking about it and notices the way Chas is looking at him, she seems shocked by his words and wonders what to say.

"I didn't know." Chas says, deciding that she can't say anything else just yet.

Robert hears a firework go off and he thinks too, he thinks of the shooting and he feels sick inside but he can control it better than Chas can. He can smile and watch them rise into the air and explode with dramatic effect, he tells himself it's because Aaron nestles in beside him and keeps asking if he is okay - _understanding_ and he feels truly loved.

"The shooting it - it shook things up in here." Robert points to his head and then hears Chas scoff in agreement.

"Tell me about it." Chas reasons, her eyes flickering to the sight of another firework swirling in the air. It's silent and she's thankful.

Robert looks towards the floor, "I know that it's hard." He raises his head and sees he has Chas' full attention. "Trust me. But I know that surrounding yourself with people helps, being on your own just makes it worse." He thinks about those months without Aaron, those terribly lonely months. He thinks about New Year's Eve and the fireworks and his subsequent panic attack as he lay in bed.

"It _festers_ and - and it makes you forget all the good things." Robert stares out the window, sees Aaron tucking into a burger and scrunches his nose up as he imagines what it will be like kissing him and tasting the gherkins. He hates gherkins. The thought makes him smile though, he usually is able to drift into happy whimsical thoughts now and it's better, he welcomes it because knows it's taking away value from the negative ideas that rest in his mind.

"You're right." Chas comments, lifting herself up from the sofa and then nodding. "No point sitting here _waiting_ for the panic to set in."

Robert manages to smile, "Exactly." He says, looks towards the door and then drops a hand in his pocket. "I should -"

Chas nods quickly, "Go love." She says with a smile that tells Robert she is better than when he found her, he settles as he walks towards the door and then turns to face her again.

"I know that me and you haven't always been," Chas clears her throat but then smiles as if to acknowledge how past that they were now. "But I _love_ your son." Robert's words take him by surprise but he dosen't shy away from it. "And I'd like to think that, you know _marrying_ him and all will make me part of your family." It's endearing, so soft that Chas can only nod her head and smile.

"Which means I'll be there for ya, you'll be my family and - and you won't have to feel like you have to handle this by yourself. I'm always here." Robert hopes he sounds sincere as he speaks, the tears in Chas' eyes tell him he does though.

"Aaron was right then." Robert frowns at Chas. "Robert Sugden has really gone soft." Robert chuckles and looks away shyly, it's so different to the way he used to look and Chas can't help but be flawed.

Her feet move towards him and her arms pull him into a tight hug, squeezing at his arm as she lets go and thinks back to that day again. She let go too quickly then, he was too wet to hold for any longer.

Robert hides his shock with another smile, it's genuine, they all seem to be now.

"You go yeah? I'll be out in a sec." Chas insists, her hands waving toward the door before Robert disappears again.

 

\- - - 

 

Chas breathes out slowly, steadying herself as she walks towards the sink and sees that Robert has joined Aaron and Liv. He fits in so well and she can't help but smile again as she watches Aaron kiss him hard on the lips and then sees the older man squirm away and complain about the taste. Liv looks worn out and she's left the sparkler in favour of a hot chocolate that she holds carefully as she admires her brother and his fiancé. The air seems quiet now and Chas knows that she'll tell Aaron herself later, a part of her can't wait to tell him about how Robert was there for her and how much that meant. How much she approves of the newly made family man.

Another firework flies through the air and Chas nearly misses it as she watches the way Robert tightens his grip on Aaron's hand, her son rubbing small circles against their thumbs as they stand there. That's how my Aaron supports him she thinks, she smiles with pride at the boy who she once knew would have rather ran a mile than hold a man's hand and love him fiercely.

Chas manages to spot the firework in the night sky in all its glory, the colours are golden and most sparkle as they begin to disappear. For the first time that night she sees nothing but it's beauty, her mind dosen't ache with thoughts of last year and the traumas that she knows too well. It fades into nothing, completely manages to disappear until all that is left is the reflection of the light that shines through the window and a smile on her face that won't falter.

 

**Author's Note:**

> gosh i hope it wasn't that bad, a part of me wanted to get something out to celebrate making 50 pieces of work on here (gosh no one read my earlier rubbish pls i beg) so if it isn't that amazing then soz but i am just a lil bit in love with the idea of rob and chas relating and helping and supporting each other.


End file.
